


Undisclosed Desires

by just_chiara



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Awareness Week, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Best Friends, Biromantic Character(s), Biromanticism, Canon Disabled Character, Coming Out, Conversations, Demisexual Alex Standall, Demisexual Zach Dempsey, Demisexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, LGBTQ Themes, Late Night Conversations, M/M, New Year's Kiss, New Years, Post-Season/Series 01, Post-Season/Series 02, Pre-Canon, Pre-Season/Series 01, Pre-Season/Series 02, Recreational Drug Use, References to Suicide, Sexuality, Talking, demisexual relationship, references to canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-03 04:47:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16319453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_chiara/pseuds/just_chiara
Summary: The evolution of Alex and Zach's relationship over their sophomore and junior years, told through late-night conversations.Demisexual Alex and Zach.





	Undisclosed Desires

_I want to reconcile the violence in your heart_  
_I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask_  
_I want to exorcise the demons from your past_  
_I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart_

_(Undisclosed Desires – Muse)_

* * *

You know those whispered, intimate conversations late at night, when you’re vulnerable, open, exposed? When you lean into each other and share secrets? When the world is asleep and you feel safe from judgement? When you can almost feel your souls touching? Dim lights, bared hearts, soft voices?

You do, don’t you?

This story is about those conversations.

* * *

_Nov. 19, 2016 – 11.37 P.M._

The party is over. Has been for a while. Most people left already and by now are sound asleep in their own beds. Even Justin left after Bryce disappeared inside his room with a girl.

Zach drops down on the couch next to Alex, who’s still playing videogames.

“I thought everyone left.” Alex doesn’t take his eyes away from the screen.

“You’re still here,” Zach says quietly.

Alex keeps playing. He’s aware that Zach is watching him and tries to impress him with his gaming skills. He still hasn’t figured out how he got to be friends with guys like Zach Dempsey and Justin Foley. When he gets to a tricky part of the game, he pauses it. If he’s lucky, it’s going to look like he’s just bored and not like he’s afraid of not being good enough.

“You’re not a party person, are you?” Zach asks.

 _Shit_. He must have noticed that Alex spent the entire night playing videogames. “Maybe I’m just used to a different kind of party,” he says, hoping he doesn’t sound ungrateful for the invite.

Zach smiles. “What kind of parties did you go to at your old school?”

 _I didn’t_.

Last year, Alex was the weird kid who never got invited to any parties. The quiet kid who would spend his Friday nights playing rock songs in his best friend’s garage. “I didn’t really do parties. I was usually rehearsing with my band on Friday nights,” he says, hoping to sound at least partially cool.

 _Drugs, sex, and rock ‘n’ roll_. Minus the sex – and, most times, the drugs, but Zach doesn’t need to know that.

“Sounds nice. Nicer than this,” Zach says.

For a moment, Alex thinks Zach must be kidding, but something in Zach’s voice tells him that maybe he actually gets it. “You mean nicer than getting wasted and trying to hook up with someone you don’t even really like for the sole purpose of proving to your friends that you’re cool and you’re having fun?” he dares to say. He looks closely at Zach, watching for his reaction, ready to laugh it off as a joke.

Zach gives it some thought. “Yeah.”

“Why do we do it, then? This?” Alex puts the controller down, without bothering to save the game or turn off the TV.

“I don’t know.” Zach shrugs. “Someone said this was cool and we all went along with it?”

“Scary thought,” Alex says.

Zach hums in agreement, then he asks, “Do you still play? The guitar or drums or whatever?”

“The guitar. And yeah, I do. I mean, I don’t have a band here, but I still play.”

Zach gets more comfortable and ends up with his thigh pressed against Alex’s. “Do you miss it?”

“The band? We weren’t that good. But yeah, I miss it. I miss _them_ ,” Alex admits. “They were my best friends, we’d known each other since second grade. We promised to keep in contact but I actually haven’t heard from them in weeks. It was inevitable, I guess.” It’s the first time he’s ever told anyone. He doesn’t like to think about it, how much he misses them. He lowers his eyes. “The weird thing is, I feel like they left me behind when I’m the one who moved away.”

“I’m sorry. It must really suck,” Zach agrees. He touches Alex’s arm, just a light bump. “I’d like to hear you play sometime.”

Alex doesn’t know if Zach is just trying to be nice, to cheer him up, but his interest sounds sincere. “Come over tomorrow. I’ll play a few songs for you.”

“I’d like that, yeah.” Zach looks at Alex for a few seconds, then stretches lazily. He fishes for his keys in his right pocket. “I'd better go home before I fall asleep here. Do you need a ride?”

 _Tempting_. Zach’s car is _insane_. Too bad he drove here. “I’m good, thanks.”

“Cool. See you tomorrow, Alex.” Zach pats his shoulder, then gets up. “Text me your address. I’ll come over to hear those songs you promised me.”

* * *

_Mar. 4, 2017 – 10.20 P.M._

The streets are empty and wet from the rain that fell earlier. Zach makes a right turn and stops in front of Alex’s house.

“Thank you for the ride.”

“Anytime.”

Alex makes to open the door and get out of the car, but then turns around and looks at Zach instead. Pause. Small shrug. Then, awkwardly, Alex asks, “You were quiet tonight. Is everything alright?”

Had Alex asked earlier, Zach would have said yes. But now it’s late, it’s just the two of them, and Zach is tired. His defences are down.

“No, not really,” he admits. “I fucked up pretty bad.”

Alex settles back into the car seat, left shoulder leaning against the backrest, blond hair almost shining under the light from the streetlamps. “I’m kind of an expert in fucking things up,” he says, inviting Zach to share more.

“Hannah Baker. I’ve had a thing a thing for her for a while. And it’s not because everybody says she’s easy, it’s because, I don’t know, I think we could have a connection. You dated Jessica who was your friend, so you get it: it’s hotter when you actually have something in common. Anyway. We had a moment on Valentine’s Day, but when I asked her out she… well, _you know_. Half the school was there to hear it and Bryce made sure to tell the other half.” Zach looks down at his hands, unable to meet Alex’s eyes. “I was angry and… yeah, embarrassed, too, so I did a stupid thing to hurt her back. And I wasn’t trying… I mean, I know how it sounds, but I didn’t mean to…”

Alex reaches out to touch his arm. “I get it. Like, I _really_ get it. I kinda did the same thing.”

Zach glances up from his hands to look at his friend, and this time it’s Alex who self-consciously looks away.

“You know we were all friends, Jess, Hannah and I, right? When Jess and I started dating, Hannah felt left out. She was hurt and she called me out on my bullshit. I was embarrassed and so I told Jess that Hannah was jealous and obsessed with me and we should stop talking to her to give her some space or some shit.”

Alex is picking at the hem of his shirt. Zach doubts he’s ever told anyone else before.

“And then Jess and I broke up,” Alex goes on. “I know everybody thinks we were having sex but we weren’t. I wanted to. I was, I mean I _am_ in love with her and I wanted to. But she didn’t and we broke up. And I was pissed off and embarrassed and… hurt, I guess. I used the List to hurt her back but it just…” Alex sighs and makes a vague movement with his hand. “I fucked everything up. With Jess, with Hannah, between them. So if we’re having a contest, I win. I’m the King of Fucking Things Up.”

When their eyes finally meet, they recognize in the other the same guilt they feel deep inside themselves.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Zach says.

Alex relaxes a little. There’s no judgement here and it feels good to talk about it. “Oh, and I didn’t have sex with Hannah either. Or with anyone else. Since, you know, we’re being honest.”

“Me neither,” Zach admits. “I’m gonna sound like a total loser, but I don’t want to just hook up with someone I barely know.”

“Well, then I’m a loser, too,” Alex says. “You know, there’s a joke in there somewhere. We don’t fuck but we fuck things up… or something.”

Zach chuckles, but his smile fades when he remembers Hannah’s letter. “I wish I could fix it, you know? With Hannah. But I’d only fuck things up even more, so it’s best if I don’t do anything at all, I think,” he says.

Alex nods. “Yeah, me, too.”

* * *

_Apr. 8, 2017 – 10.43 P.M._

Alex is playing _Daysleeper_ by R.E.M. on his guitar and singing the lyrics under his breath. Zach, comfortably spread out on Alex’s bed, listens to him while he plays Candy Crush on his phone.

“It sounds really good,” Zach says when Alex stops playing and leans his guitar against the wall.

“It sounds like I really need to work on my tempo,” Alex counters. “I should practice more. I need to get better or I’ll never get into music school.”

Zach puts his phone down and turns his head to look at Alex, who’s sitting on a chair a few feet away. “Music school, uh?”

Alex stretches out his legs and leans his head back. “My dad thinks it’s a stupid idea. Music doesn’t pay the bills, or whatever. But life should be about more than just surviving, shouldn’t it? Music is the only thing I love, the only thing that makes me happy. No, happy is not the right word. It makes me feel… a _live_. Who cares about money if you feel dead inside?”

Zach rolls onto his side and looks at him. “You should do it. Do what makes you feel alive. I want to do the same, I just haven’t found that thing yet. You know, something I really love. But I know I don’t want to end up like my parents. I want… I want more.”

“I’m gonna kill myself if I end up like my mom and dad.”

Zach nods. “Yeah.”

* * *

_Jun. 29, 2017 – 1.21 A.M._

Zach climbs in through the window with ease.

“Sorry for calling you so late. I had to get out of the house,” he whispers.

“No, of course. How are… Shit, I mean… Are you…?” Alex rambles. He’s trying to ask him how he’s doing, but it sounds like such an idiotic question right now, on the day of his dad’s funeral.

Zach draws a sharp breath. “I’m… Honestly, I don’t know how I am.”

They sit next to each other on the edge of the bed. The room is almost dark, the only light coming from a small bedside lamp.

“My sister hasn’t said a single word today while my mom acted as if we were having a fucking dinner party. She spent the day making sure that everyone found a place to sit and we had enough napkins. Like, who the fuck cares about napkins, you know?” Zach’s words sound angry, but that’s just the surface. There are layers of guilt, regret, and emptiness all the way down to pure, raw _pain_. “Everyone told me I need to be strong now and I want to be but I don’t… I don’t know _how_.”

Alex wishes he knew what to say. Does anybody? He doesn’t. He doesn’t have any wisdom to offer, he can’t say he knows what it’s like because he really doesn’t, and he doesn’t know any magic words that can make it all better. He rests his hand on Zach’s shoulder and rubs it gently. Zach flinches and Alex almost moves his hand away, but then he realizes it’s not his touch Zach is recoiling from but the rush of emotions. A sob shakes Zach’s shoulders, and then he’s crying, hiding his face into his hands. Alex rubs his back with one hand and rests the other, firmly, on Zach’s knee.

“You’re not alone. I’m here,” he whispers.

* * *

_Aug. 30, 2017 – 10.36 P.M._

It’s Zach’s first time. He said no, at first, but Jeff can be very convincing. And it can’t be bad if Jeff My-Body-Is-A-Temple Atkins does it, right?

It is not Jeff’s body Zach’s thinking about right now, though. It’s Alex’s. Or, more specifically, Alex’s hands.

Zach is lying on his back on the couch, head resting comfortably on Alex’s lap. He feels Alex’s fingers run through his hair, his unevenly cut nails scratching his scalp in a way that’s not at all unpleasant.

“It feels good,” he says. “And weird. But good.”

Does he _see_ Alex smile, or _feel_ him?

“You’re so beautiful,” Alex whispers. “Not just your body, your soul. Your soul is beautiful. You’re so beautiful that you make me feel beautiful.”

“So you feel it, too? This connection?”

“It’s the best part.”

And then Zach finds himself kissing Alex, and he can’t remember deciding to do it but it doesn’t matter because Alex is kissing him back and it feels _good_. Slow, intimate kisses. Soft. Tender. No urgency, no desperation, no need. Neither of them wants any more than this. It’s perfect and it’s enough.

They feel complete.

Alex moves so he’s lying down next to Zach, nestled in between the couch and his friend’s body. Legs tangled together, Alex’s hands on Zach’s face, Zach’s arms around Alex’s body. More kisses, gentle and delicate, for what could be an hour just as well as a minute.

They are suspended in time.

“This is…”

“Yeah,” Alex whispers. He smiles against Zach’s lips.

“Do you want…?”

They look at other and Alex knows that Zach is not asking for more, he’s just checking that they’re still both on the same page. That they both still want the same thing.

“No,” Alex says. “Just this. This is good.”

“ _So_ good.”

* * *

_Sep. 3, 2017 – 11.27 P.M._

Zach and Alex are alone in the hot tub. Everyone else is playing poker inside, except for Bryce, who disappeared in his room with two girls an hour into the party.

“You're quiet tonight, are you alright?” Zach asks when the silence has stretched on for a few minutes.

“I'm not in a party mood.” Alex tilts his head back and looks up at the starry sky, then casts Zach a sideways glance. “I actually only came to see you.”

Zach slides closer. “I'm glad you did. We haven't really been alone since the other night at Jeff's.”

The way Zach looks at him tells Alex that they feel the same way about those kisses. No need to be coy. “For the record, I don't usually make out with whoever's closest when I'm high,” Alex says. He wants Zach to know that he wasn’t just the only warm body within reach. It’s important that Zach knows that.

A quick smile touches Zach’s lips. It was worth telling him just to see _that_.

“Well, for the record, I don’t usually make out with… anyone,” Zach admits.

Alex doesn’t miss his hesitation: the last word is even more significant because of it. “For the record,” he begins, as if this was some sort of game they’re playing. “I have only kissed you and Jess in the last year.”

“For the record, I’ve only kissed you and one girl in the last year, too,” Zach says. Their fingertips brush against each other underwater, safely hidden from prying eyes. “You know how Bryce and the others sometimes point at a girl and say they want to ‘hit that’ or ‘jump her bones’? I… I kind of never feel that way. I find some girls, and some boys, beautiful. Uh, _stunning_ even. But I don’t… I’ve never looked at someone and thought I wanted to rip their clothes off.” Zach looks down, probably feeling like he should be ashamed of it. “Shit, now I’m over-sharing. What is it about you that makes me keep talking until I’ve said more than I meant to?”

Alex smiles. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m ace, too. Demi, actually. And I don’t usually tell people either,” he says. Seeing the confused look on Zach’s face, he realizes his friend might not be familiar with the terms. “Asexual and demisexual,” he clarifies. “I rarely feel sexual attraction. When I do, it’s with someone I really care about.”

Zach frowns.

 _Fuck_. Did Alex misunderstand?

“Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to assume anything about your sexual orientation. It just sounded like…”

“No, it… it makes sense. I just never thought of it this way.” Zach thinks about it for a few moments before going on: “I always thought there was something _wrong_ with me. That I wasn’t… working properly.”

Alex covers Zach’s hand with his own. “There’s nothing wrong with you at all, Zach.”

“I had sex, uh, a few times last month and it was good. Really good.” Zach pauses. He looks relieved and confused at the same time, and Alex knows what it’s like. Zach looks at him and whispers, “Does it mean…? What does it mean?”

“I can’t tell you that, that’s for you to figure out,” Alex says kindly. “But I’m here if you need to talk it out. Or if you have questions.”

“What is it like for you?”

Alex looks back up at the sky, as if looking for the right words up there. “It’s more about what I share with him or her, our relationship, than body parts. Take Jessica: she’s beautiful and I could see that from the first time I saw her. But it’s only after we became friends and I started to really care about her that I was turned on by her. Having sex with her didn’t even cross my mind until we’d been together for a few weeks and we really connected.”

Zach nods slowly, taking it all in.

Alex squeezes his arm. “You don’t have to figure it all out tonight. And you don’t have to necessarily fit in one box. Actually, fuck boxes. Just do your own thing, okay?”

* * *

_Sep. 10, 2017 – 12.11 A.M._

Alex makes coffee and they drink it outside, sitting close together on the front steps of his house.

“He wasn’t drunk,” Zach repeats for what must be the fiftieth time. “We spent most of the night together. Jeff barely had anything to drink.”

Alex takes a sip of his coffee then lays his head on Zach’s shoulder. Zach welcomes the closeness. He drinks some coffee. It’s warm. Alex’s body next to his is warmer. Or _feels_ warmer. He wraps his arm around Alex’s shoulders to keep him close.

“Do you wanna stay the night?” Alex asks.

“I do, but I can’t. My mom will freak out if I don’t come home. But I can stay a little longer,” Zach says.

Alex grips the mug tighter. “I just can’t believe that he’s… gone, just like that,” he says.

“It doesn’t seem real.”

Alex tilts his head up and presses his lips against Zach’s, looking for comfort, familiarity, safety.

An anchor.

* * *

_Oct. 13, 2017 – 10.01 P.M._

Alex wraps an arm around his stomach and rolls onto his side with a pitiful groan. He closes his eyes and buries his face into the pillow, half hoping against hope that the pain will disappear if everything goes dark.

“What’s wrong?” Zach asks.

“Stomachache. It’s nothing,” Alex mumbles.

He feels the warmth of Zach’s body against his back, the weight of his arm around his waist.

“I still can’t believe that Hannah…”

“Yeah,” Alex says. He finds Zach’s hand, laces their fingers together. “I can’t stop thinking that, maybe, if we’d still been friends…”

Zach hugs him tighter. “No, Alex, don’t go there.”

“Do you think there’ll be a funeral?” Alex wonders. “I think I’d like to at least say goodbye.”

“I don’t know.” Zach draws a shaky breath. “I actually hope there won’t be one. I can’t go to another funeral. I… Fuck. I need for people to stop dying.”

Alex rolls onto his back. Fuck his stomach; this is more important. He rubs his hand up and down Zach’s arm. “I hate all this so fucking much.”

* * *

_Jan. 1, 2018 – 12.35 A.M._

Alex is lying in bed in his room, which isn’t surprising since that’s where most of his life takes place now. He only gets out of the house for psychotherapy, physical therapy or behavioural therapy. He needs three different kinds of therapy because his body and mind are fucking broken.

He and Tyler are watching a movie, which is just about the lamest thing you can do instead of going to a party on New Year’s Eve. (Even worse: eating pizza in his bedroom with a friend kind of felt like a party after the last few weeks, but Alex is not ready to admit that even to himself.)

His phone buzzes softly. Alex glances at the screen, quite certain it’s just one more generic Happy New Year text but half-hoping it’s actually someone drunk-texting him. Since he can’t drink, he should at least be allowed to enjoy the effects alcohol has on other people.

It's a text from Zach:  
  
**Jan. 1 st**  
Zach: I’m outside, can you open the window?  
Alex: Use the door  


He hears the bell ring, then his mother’s and Zach’s voices. Hopefully Zach isn’t drunk, or he will never make it past the front door and will be given a ride home and a talk about drinking and driving instead.

“It’s Zach,” Alex tells Tyler when he sees the confused look on his friend’s face.

“I'd better go, it’s getting late anyway,” Tyler says. He gets up and puts on his jacket.

“You don’t have to go,” Alex tells him.

Tyler gives him a look. “Yeah, I do. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Alex turns off the TV as Tyler leaves. He tunes out the voices coming from outside his bedroom because right now he doesn’t want to deal with Tyler and Zach and all their issues with each other.

“Is Bryce’s party over already?” he asks when Zach comes into the room.

Zach dives onto the bed and lies messily on his stomach next to Alex. “No. I left. I wanted to see you.”

“Well, you’ve seen me. I'm just as pathetic as I was yesterday. Maybe a little bit more so. The party must have really sucked if you'd rather see me,” Alex says. And really, he didn't mean to sound so negative. Fuck his head.

“Stop talking like that. I won’t let anyone talk about my best friend like that, not even you.” Zach nudges his arm lightly. “Are you okay?”

Alex sighs. “I am. Sorry. I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way,” he says, trying to lighten the mood with some humor. He doesn’t know if Zach gets the reference, but his shoulders relax and the hint of a smile appears on his lips. Good. Maybe he’s not regretting coming here. Alex softens his voice: “How _was_ the party?”

“You know how parties at Bryce’s are. I only went because I had to, but I’d much rather be here,” Zach says. He props himself up on his elbows and gets closer to Alex. “I know maybe you don’t feel like celebrating. But 2017 sucked so much, so maybe it’s a good thing that we're leaving it behind?”

Alex wishes he could believe that things can change just because the clock strikes midnight like in a fairytale. If only. But Zach’s presence is helping with his mood and he’d rather be lifted up than bring both of them down. “It sounds good.”

Zach leans in. “Happy New Year, Alex,” he whispers before kissing him.

* * *

_Jan. 13, 2018 – 11.28 P.M._

“I think I might have worked it out,” Zach announces after throwing his empty coffee cup in the trash bin.

“Cold fusion or the secret to happiness?”

Zach gives him a stern look – his I’m-Fucking-Serious-Alex look – but Alex can tell that he’s amused. “What I am. My... _sexuality_.”

Zach seems embarrassed to even say the word; it’s a cute look on him. Alex takes a sip of his latte. It’s lukewarm and too sweet. “Do tell,” he says encouragingly.

“For a while, I thought I might be graysexual, like you suggested, but I think I'm demi,” Zach says. He looks at Alex as if looking for confirmation that he got it right. As if Alex has all the answers. “And I'm definitely biromantic.”

Alex already knows there's been a girl, so... “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Who do you think?”

_Shit._

Alright, to be fair, it shouldn’t come as such a surprise. Not after the occasional kisses they’ve shared. Not considering how close they’ve become. _Still_. “I’m really fucked up, Zach,” Alex says.

Zach looks down. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, Alex.”

“That’s not what I said. It was a warning, not an answer,” Alex clarifies. If he’s being honest, he does feel the same way about Zach. He’s felt that way for a while. But is it the right moment to start a relationship? According to his doctors, he should only focus on his recovery right now. “I like you, too. But, as I said, I'm really fucked up and right now I’m taking it one day at a time. Sometimes even that is too much. I’m not saying no. I guess what I’m saying is, How slow can we go?”

“As slow as you need,” Zach promises.

Alex smiles. “For real, or like when you say it during PT but then you bust my balls to work harder?”

Zach moves his chair a bit closer, chuckling. “Are you really complaining about PT while we talk about this? But yeah, for real.”

“I don’t want to lose you as a friend,” Alex says. The _don’t want to_ sounds a lot like _cannot_.

“You won’t, I promise.”

* * *

_May 19, 2018 – 10.34 P.M._

They’ve fallen into a routine. Alex leaves the window open, Zach climbs in and gets into bed with him. They kiss, they talk, they listen to music. Sometimes they have sex. It’s slow and gentle, all tender kisses and hands trailing over exposed skin. It’s a different kind of conversation.

Tonight, they’re both in the mood for cuddles. They’re lying next to each other, sharing a pair of earbuds connected to Alex’s phone. They’re keeping the volume down so they can talk.

“As soon as school’s out, we could take a road trip,” Alex whispers.

“We could drive to San Francisco: take it easy, have lunch on the beach on our way there,” Zach says. He’s lying on his stomach and Alex is rubbing his back. It feels good. “We could ask Justin and Clay if they want to tag along… Unless you wanted to go just the two of us.”

“No, I like it. Road trips are better with friends.” Alex smiles, then leans in to kiss Zach.

 _Undisclosed Desires_ by Muse starts playing.

“I love this song,” Zach says softly. He looks at Alex, who knows his deepest secrets and is still here, who never makes him feel like there’s something wrong with him, who can turn his day around with a smile. “I love _you_.”

“I love you, too, Zach,” Alex whispers.

**Author's Note:**

> Out of every fanfic I've ever written in any fandom, this is quite possibly the one I enjoyed writing the most.


End file.
